I’m working on myself. That’s all I can get out at this point. My weight went up…. way up.
No, of course I wasn’t happy about it but I couldn’t take back the holiday weight. The truth is I had a great time gaining it because I was with my family, but once reality struck in my ever expanding gut I had to get down to it. I decided this time was the time I did it right. No i’m not just going to do cardio, I’m not just going to weight lift, I’m not just going to ignore why I keep gaining in the first place.
So here’s the deal, I had a realization that it’s not just about the weight, but how I see myself. Ever since I was a child I felt like I was the biggest in the class, but thinking back on it that wasn’t the case at all. I was just a average sized girl maybe even considered a fit child. So why was it that when I was in elementary school I felt I was big. Too bad this issue followed me to adulthood.
I’ve had conversations with my younger sister and my mother to try to figure out why is it I’ve never been happy with my body.
Here are some reasons
-As a child looking up to my mother she was never happy with her own body not once do I remember her saying “ooo I look good”, no it was always ” Ugh, if I only had more time to lose this weight.”
-Exercise was never focused on health, but it was centered around vanity. A common phrase used was “oh I’m going to lose weight for Christmas, a reunion, a wedding so I look amazing and people will be jealous.”
-Family gatherings. While I loved being around family, I hated the initial “you look good”. The condescending phrases varied each year. My aunts, uncles, and cousins always talked about weight at some point during whatever event. I was always afraid they were talking about my weight gain, or weight loss.
-Body shaming, probably one of the biggest reasons I am afraid of people who are healthy. I had a couple of people in my life who would comment on someones weight loss or gain in such a negative way that those voices are stuck in my head. I would hear the comments meant to be jokes. I took them as , “I wonder if that’s what people say about me?” Did I speak up and say something? No, unfortunately I joined in on the heckling, hoping to shield myself.
My weight now? 192.6 but I’m trying to keep the number out of it as of right now I just feel good about myself. I’m getting healthy and I know I have a very long way to go but I can see that I will make it.