Just Existing


I’ve come to the realization that all I have been doing is existing…

I’m not taking care of myself anymore.

Simple taske are hard to accomplish.

I would even say it’s starting to mess with my work.


When You’re Back You’re Back



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I’m working on myself. That’s all I can get out at this point. My weight went up…. way up.

212 pounds

No, of course I wasn’t happy about it but I couldn’t take back the holiday weight. The truth is I had a great time gaining it because I was with my family, but once reality struck in my ever expanding gut I had to get down to it. I decided this time was the time I did it right. No i’m not just going to do cardio, I’m not just going to weight lift, I’m not just going to ignore why I keep gaining in the first place.

So here’s the deal, I had a realization that it’s not just about the weight, but how I see myself. Ever since I was a child I felt like I was the biggest in the class, but thinking back on it that wasn’t the case at all. I was just a average sized girl maybe even considered a fit child. So why was it that when I was in elementary school I felt I was big. Too bad this issue followed me to adulthood.

I’ve had conversations with my younger sister and my mother to try to figure out why is it I’ve never been happy with my body.

Here are some reasons

-As a child looking up to my mother she was never happy with her own body not once do I remember her saying “ooo I look good”, no it was always ” Ugh, if I only had more time to lose this weight.”

-Exercise was never focused on health, but it was centered around vanity. A common phrase used was “oh I’m going to lose weight for Christmas, a reunion, a wedding so I look amazing and people will be jealous.”

-Family gatherings. While I loved being around family, I hated the initial “you look good”. The condescending phrases varied each year.  My aunts, uncles, and cousins always talked about weight at some point during whatever event. I was always afraid they were talking about my weight gain, or weight loss.

-Body shaming, probably one of the biggest reasons I am afraid of people who are healthy. I had a couple of people in my life who would comment on someones weight loss or gain in such a negative way that those voices are stuck in my head. I would hear the comments meant to be jokes. I took them as , “I wonder if that’s what people say about me?” Did I speak up and say something? No, unfortunately I joined in on the heckling, hoping to shield myself.

My weight now? 192.6 but I’m trying to keep the number out of it as of right now I just feel good about myself. I’m getting healthy and I know I have a very long way to go but I can see that I will make it.

Where is my life really going?



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Okay so the Vegetarian thing didn’t go as planned. It’s hard going to work and all they provide is food with meat. Honestly I think they drizzle bacon on anything they see.

Green beans -bacon

corn- bacon


Ice cream-bacon

the bathroom soap, believer or not… bacon

Seriously I don’t even like bacon that much. So my plant is to be a vegan at home and a reduced meat eater at work.

Oh yes so what’s my weight you ask? EFF YOU

…its 194

I know it’s not the worst right? It’s not like i’m back up to 198 so that’s a +I just thought I would at least be twenty pounds lighter at least. It’s okay as long as I keep working at it.

My new adjustments

  1. calorie count, I can’t trust myself if I dont
  2. listen to podcasts (Primal Potential) seriously it’s good
  3. Volunteering on my days off
  4. keeping my apartment in order

The one think that I can seriously feel a difference in is volunteering! It’s such a great feeling meeting new people and having fun giving back. There is no since of stress because what are they going to do fire you from helping out?

Louisville, Kentucky



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Just got back from a road trip to Louisville, Kentucky. I had a fantastic time visiting with family, and getting to know the area. We went for my husband’s grandparent’s birthday. All they wanted was for everyone to come to town and enjoy their birthday with them.(so cute)

My husband warned me that the way the celebrate is through food, and it would look bad to just “be healthy”, and nearly impossible as well.

I just weighed myself and I am back to 197 :((( I nearly died when I saw that, but not surprised either.  I know once I get back into a routine pounds will fall off pretty quickly, and then slowly again. Next time I think I need to be really stern in the amount i eat. I feel like i am back to day 1 but I know thats not true. In a couple days I will see my true honest weight and then i will be able to determine where I really am.

Also I am switching to a plant based diet. 5 Reasons

  1. When I lost weight it was because I was a vegetarian.( I had so much energy)
  2. I really don’t like how big Ag has taken over my food with chemicals
  3. Fairly quick and easy to make
  4. my husband is all for it
  5. Easy way to make sure i’m eating right


Current: 197

Starting: 198 😦

By All Means Move at a Glacial Pace



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I am officialy at 189.4 lbs. it only took forever! I had to wake my husband up this morning to prove I wasn’t dreaming. My highest weight before deciding to focus on my health was 200 lbs. It’s nice to hit the 10 pound mark.

So with the weight loss I will reward myself of course. I have decided to go with Etsy! I have a tragus piercing and want something that shows off my character, therefor I want to get this bee earring.

It’s only $19 I’m really excited to where this it’s the perfect size! —->Bee Earring

18g or 16g sterling silver hoop with tiny bee - helix piercing - helix earring - tragus - conch - rook - cartilage earring -  1mm or 1.2mm

I have some more great news as well! My work schedule has changed I will be working Wed-Sun every week! I know many people will think eww how wants to work on the weekends. Well I do, my husband has Mondays and Tuesdays off so I will be able to spend time with him finally. I will also be able to volunteer at my favorite gardens because they only operate during the week anyway.

So exciting!!!

Starting Weight 198

Current Weight 189.4

Netflix Movie Recommendation



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I’m not 100% sure if I have an eating disorder BED, but it’s hard getting out of this binge habit. I really thought it was from just not wanting to eat right, but the more I try to work on losing weight the more I see it’s a bigger problem.

I watched a movie the other night that was extremely motivating. It’s called To The Bone on the Netflix. It’s about eating disorders specifically focusing on anorexia nervosa. I found it very encouraging even with the tough subject matter.

My favorite quote that just put everything into perspective was when the main character Eli scolds here doctor. She wants him to teach her not to be so messed up and he responds with this.

you know how 

stop waiting for life to be easy

stop hoping for somebody to save you. 

You don’t need another person lying to you

things don’t all add up

but you’re resilient

face some hard facts and you could have an incredible life.

It really spoke to me because I know how to lose this weight, but I think it will just fall off without any hard work. I always research better ways to lose the weight, and a lot of the information out there are lies. There is no quick fix, I have to settle in for the long haul.

Key to Keeping on Track



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Over tha past few weeks I have noticed what keeps me on track with my weight.

  1. Keeping clean

I’m talking Everything from hygiene to the house. Once things start to get out of hand your diet does as well.

2. Only eat IN

Sound’s so simple stop eating out. If you grab a drink here, a snack there it gets so out of hand that you’ve ruined your week. You’re now in your bedroom ordering a family size pizza for yourself, pretending you have “company” over. Benefit of this is you save some money if your strict with yourself.

3. Don’t hold off on your workout

Try going as soon as you have the time. I try going right after work. If I go at a later time it never happens. Take your protein shake and get moving. Getting in a routine will really keep you accountable and before you know you’ve been going to the gym for months.

4. Write it down

Even if you’re not a writer, get it down on paper. Putting my goals down and having them out in the open is the best way to keep me honest. I look at my next goal with my next reward and get motivated to hit it.

5. Tell the world

Now that your goals are out in the open, tell everyone you can. I promise the more people you tell the more likely your going to hit that goal.



Just 5 Effing Days



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As you know I have an unhealthy relationship with my scale.

That thing I like to flip off every morning. 

Well, I am setting a new goal for myself. No reward or anything just to see if I have enough will power to do it. I am challenging myself to stay off the scale for 5 days. I am just so devastated when I see those numbers move in the wrong direction. I would do a whole week, but I’m just going to start small for now.

Reasons to not weigh myself everyday

– HORMONES, I gain and lose every month, I know it’s something I can’t really control

– You will be way more impressed by the amount you lose when you do weigh (-.5 lbs vs 3 or 4!)

– Not having so much anxiety every morning

Reasons I’m afraid not to weigh myself everyday

– What if I’m not doing things right, how will I know?

– I may have increased anxiety because I will eventually want to know!


Current weight: ???



No change is good?



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After the holiday I had a hard time getting back in my routine.

On the 3rd I worked from 6:30-1AM the gardens had a fourth of July celebration and I had to stay and “clean up”. Now the plus of that is that I burned a ton of calories by lifting heavy chairs time and time again. So I thought it would be okay not working out the next day because it’s a holiday I should relax.

That screwed up my whole week it’s like I just gave up.

I am back on it! This week will be MINE. I just went grocery shopping and I am ready to lose some more lbs.

Current Weight 192.4

Can’t Be Trusted With Food



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**First, GOOD NEWS, I lost another two pounds and get another “snack” (non-food reward). I’m actually awaiting the arrival. It should be here by tonight! It’s a garden tool with a holster, It was only 20 bucks so I spent just a little bit more than my last “snack”.**

Now to get real and honest… so last night I had a mini binge. I had not eaten for a long time because I was waiting for my husband to get home so we could go grocery shopping together. WELL Instead of doing that we decided to do a “quick shop” as we call it basically it’s where we buy more snacks than actual food.

This is what I grabbed Lays sour cream and onion chips, a package of these Reece’s Crunchers, a Zevia soda, and a lean cuisine tv dinner. I told my husband please keep me accountable on the snack food because I don’t want to binge.

It did not work

I ate everything. My thinking was well if I don’t eat it all now it’s going to be left for me tomorrow. #logic So this morning I was really freaking out I thought I was going to gain everything back. Surprisingly I did not!

Today no binger I’m going to do this one right!

Starting: 198lbs

Current weight:192lbs

“Elevator eyes”



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Dressed up for a big interview, picking at my hangnail that starts to bleed. I answer everything with an enthusiastic punch. As I meet the future team something bumps me.


I shake the coworkers hand and make great eye contact. That’s what I have been taught to focus on when meeting someone new. The eyes go from eye contact to my feet, to my legs to my boobs, pauses and back to eye contact.


As an interviewee I have to just ignore it and move on but for me it happens more than often just because of the size of my chest. Men need to realize what they are doing and respect women and avoid the elevator eyes.

Body Image from child-adult



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Through the transformation I have been trying to make I had to step back and think have I ever felt good about my body? Nope

Looking back at old pictures i get jealous of myself. I looked so good, but why didn’t I see that? I regret not feeling good about myself when I really was a good size.

As you will see in the above video I talk about how my parents affected my body image from witnessing how they were dissatisfied with their own bodies. I am very afraid of transferring that to my own children. Which might be why I keep pushing it further and further away.

But, the one memory that really stuck with me was from a person I should have felt was on my side, my cross-country coach. He said I should just get used to being big and get over it. Now he said this behind my back, but in front of my younger sister’s face. I’m glad my sis stood up for me back then. It was a huge thing to do because she was extremely shy.

After I graduated high school I was determined to lose weight because of the comment he made. So I lost weight the wrong way I honestly only ate 500 cal a day. I know I probably damaged the heck out of my metabolism but at that time I didn’t care. I just wanted him to see I could do it.

My sister had a cross-country banquet that I went to see and of course who do I see there they guy who ruined how I saw myself. I wish I could tell you that him seeing at that size was worth it but he didn’t care. All he said was “oh you’ve lost weight” gee thanks all because of you.

Now that I have recognized that I have to fix the way I see myself hopefully it will improve, but I still can’t believe he said even now. For someone your supposed you look up to, it was just despicable.

The Square on the Bathroom Floor



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Everything has been nearly perfect this week. I have worked hard at the gym and focused on my daily calories, but there was one problem. I wasn’t seeing that stupid scale move. It’s a dangerous road for me because once I see the same number over and over I just want to say screw it and have a full box of cupcakes.

-My insecure thoughts on why the scale wasn’t moving?

-Maybe I shouldn’t be drinking protein shake before my workout?

-Do I need more cardio, but i don’t want to burn muscle?

-Should I be eating less than my original set calories?

-Could it be because I’m gaining so much muscle?…nah

-Should I start intermittent fasting.. stop eating at 6pm?

-Is it because the one cupcake Mark gave me?

-Maybe my body is retaining water

Well this morning I did wake up to find the scale did move!! I’m down to 196 I just hope this continues. I guess this is all part of the process, questioning myself and working through my issues. I need to get a better relationship with that square with the numbers. I know the numbers will move and I should be okay with it as long as I know I am being healthy and following my own standards.


First DIY Trone Decorating


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Okay so I live in a small 500 square foot (if that) studio apartment so I bought these Ikea trones meant for shoes but I use them for anything. Just nice to have some extra vertical storage. I want to do a whole wall of them, but that’s not too practical. I wanted to decorate them because black seems so boring.

I thought it would be so simple to buy some paint and go to town… Well as I looked in on it I learned that plastic does not really hold acrylic paint because of the slick surface.


  1.  I had to rough up the plastic


2. Put some special coating to make it more “sticky” it says sealer but it can be used as a base


3. Add a couple of layers of white so my color would show up


4. add a layer or two of my picked out color


5. Add my design


6. Then finally add a finishing varnish


I had fun doing it and it I spent 30 bucks on the paint so not to bad, I even did one with the dogs 🙂 it got a little messy