Technically I should be further than this but I have had some relapses. I should maybe be at day 1 again but I have done so well and its not the end of the world of what I messed up on. I decided to buy some double chocolate cookie dough that I would have not option but to cook. I did really well not eating it during the week but once the weekend came it turned into a gearnade. Same with the spicy mayo I bought. So I am not starting over but I am going to guide my elephant a bit more by celebrating small wins and having immediate consequences.
Today I have felt pretty amazing I feel like I’m getting better at my new job and I have been feeling more confident in general. I still feel that everyone sees fat Marisa but I know soon enough this will all be in the past and a hurdle I have overcome and am able to talk about it openly. Yesterday after working out I could feel the muscle in my arm actually protruding. I know the only reason for that was cause I had just finished and they were enflamed but I know one day it will always be like that . I can’t wait till people will see me as a woman who could do anything. I hate that some of my coworkers think because of my size I am limited to certain kind of work. But I will show them! Today is a cardio day and my plan it to get on the elliptical for 45 min at a low intensity so I don’t lose my muscle.
I WAS going to write everyday but apparently that is harder said… I think I have figured a way to trick myself into the habit of working out everyday. That is by not having a choice in it if I just make it easy on myself where I know I have no other option but to work out. This is just part of my ‘auto pilot’ oh its 730 time to go to the gym. I have to say I don’t think I have done that great this week speaking in a notorious since. I have had ice cream and it is hard for me to stop once I start but I also know that if I don’t get my sweets then I’m just going to binge. In fact today I had gotten a horrible headache thinking it was from not having caffeine I decided to go to cvs and grab a bag of chocolate covered espresso beans and just didn’t stop I feel like I ruined the day but I know it will be worse if I just sit around depressed about eating and not working out. My goal is to be reached hopefully by October 21, which is 191 days away. On Day 56 I am going to measure my body again and I pray it has changed according to pintrest that is when you should notice your body change I know pintrest is so scientific but it’s just something to check myself by. I think I need to start counting my calories. I think that is really going to keep me on track. I need to find a way to make everything routine
List of why I want to lose weight (negative)
- Boob Sweat
- Showing stomach when I lift my arms
- Pants zipper contantly falling down
- Feeling ‘eyes’ on me (elevator eyes)
- Not having anything fit me
- Feeling ungirly
- Not seeing how I feel in the mirror
What’s working for my life right now
- Waking up and eating breakfast
- Relaxing on the drive to work
- Keeping the apartment somewhat clean
- Keeping my hygiene under control
What to Improve
- Waking up at 4:45 gives me more time
- Connecting more with Mark
- Walking dogs
- Studying plants
- Keeping up with Laundry
What do you like when you look in the mirror
- My nose
- My freckles
- My broad, strong shoulders
- My hair
I guess I have hit rock bottom but I don’t feel like I am defeated anymore I guess you have to melt down to scum like the spearmint gum found on the bottom of your shoe in the middle of the parking lot to see that from here there is no other way but up. Today I felt a spurt of happiness that did not last very long but it’s there waiting in the corner. Anger, resentment have got to be stopped or everything will be lost. If tomorrow is today maybe things can turn around.
So far today has worked out well I made sure to clean over the weekend so everything is caught up and I do not have to worry about cleaning. It’s actually a relieving feeling.
My sister got a great job and I am so proud of her I do have to say I was a bit jealous when she told me how much she would be making because its very high for someone right out of college, but then I took a step back and realized its because I chose this career I knew I would never be rich nor do I care to. I feel embarrassed for feeling this way.
So This is day one of working out I have this subtle feeling that I shouldn’t bother because I ate 3 yogurts and I feel like I just ruined my day but I know if I continue with this outlook on eating and exercise I will stay unhappy. While of course I want that sexy bod, the irresistible look where people do a double take I still have to be realistic and see that everyone starts somewhere.
After Writing the rewards I have to say I am very inspired to lose it!