Body Image from child-adult

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Through the transformation I have been trying to make I had to step back and think have I ever felt good about my body? Nope

Looking back at old pictures i get jealous of myself. I looked so good, but why didn’t I see that? I regret not feeling good about myself when I really was a good size.

As you will see in the above video I talk about how my parents affected my body image from witnessing how they were dissatisfied with their own bodies. I am very afraid of transferring that to my own children. Which might be why I keep pushing it further and further away.

But, the one memory that really stuck with me was from a person I should have felt was on my side, my cross-country coach. He said I should just get used to being big and get over it. Now he said this behind my back, but in front of my younger sister’s face. I’m glad my sis stood up for me back then. It was a huge thing to do because she was extremely shy.

After I graduated high school I was determined to lose weight because of the comment he made. So I lost weight the wrong way I honestly only ate 500 cal a day. I know I probably damaged the heck out of my metabolism but at that time I didn’t care. I just wanted him to see I could do it.

My sister had a cross-country banquet that I went to see and of course who do I see there they guy who ruined how I saw myself. I wish I could tell you that him seeing at that size was worth it but he didn’t care. All he said was “oh you’ve lost weight” gee thanks all because of you.

Now that I have recognized that I have to fix the way I see myself hopefully it will improve, but I still can’t believe he said even now. For someone your supposed you look up to, it was just despicable.

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Saturday = Struggle

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The weekends are always the worst for me if I don’t have a plan then I will lay in bed all day. I’m talking from 7AM till I go to bed. Hmmm… I wonder how I gained all this weight in the first place? So of course because i am a list person I made a list just for this.

 

Marisa’s guide to staying out of bed

  1. get clean (you feel more up to going out)
  2. have a good breakfast (if you’re not starving you won’t be tempted)
  3. clean the apartment (another feel good chore of accomplishment)
  4. Go on a w-a-l-k with the dogs (if i say the word they flip)
  5. evaluate your workout plan (change anything that is not working)
  6. Do your nails (yeah they will chip off in a day, still cute though)
  7. Explore a new park (last time I got poison ivy)
  8. Go to a craft store (there’s always something)
  9. do your workout for the day (get it)
  10. Relax and evaluate how well your day went

 

Hopefully this will keep me up and moving I hate wasting a day.

I did measure myself today and i have lost 1 1/2 in off my chest waist and hips hopefully this continues

 

GGOOAAAALL! I get a “Snack”

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Celebration time!!! I have dropped to 195 lbs!!! I didn’t think it would ever happen but it did! Okay no more explanation points I don’t want you to get too excited.

Because I have hit my first goal i get to partake in a “snack” : a non food reward

So at 195 my “snack” is taking a dive into my bathtub with some *LUSH* products

I chose something affordable and more on the natural side of things, the BB Seaweed facemask, and a bath oil dissolve called You’ve been Mangoed <~~~~~check it out

I forgot to take a pic of the bath oil but trust me it was amazing, I felt so relaxed the citrus smell was not overpowering it was just right. I hate when there is too much fragrance it makes me sick sometimes. Seriously You have to try this out my skin was so hydrated from both products. I suffer from dry skin so it was a good pick for me.

This was a great reward I’m ready for the next one. (I get to spend more money- HA)

Watch what I have to say <——

 

 

The Square on the Bathroom Floor

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Everything has been nearly perfect this week. I have worked hard at the gym and focused on my daily calories, but there was one problem. I wasn’t seeing that stupid scale move. It’s a dangerous road for me because once I see the same number over and over I just want to say screw it and have a full box of cupcakes.

-My insecure thoughts on why the scale wasn’t moving?

-Maybe I shouldn’t be drinking protein shake before my workout?

-Do I need more cardio, but i don’t want to burn muscle?

-Should I be eating less than my original set calories?

-Could it be because I’m gaining so much muscle?…nah

-Should I start intermittent fasting.. stop eating at 6pm?

-Is it because the one cupcake Mark gave me?

-Maybe my body is retaining water

Well this morning I did wake up to find the scale did move!! I’m down to 196 I just hope this continues. I guess this is all part of the process, questioning myself and working through my issues. I need to get a better relationship with that square with the numbers. I know the numbers will move and I should be okay with it as long as I know I am being healthy and following my own standards.

 

New Shoes, New Attitude

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I love getting new shoes!!! It transforms my sole 😉  I had my old shoes for well over a year and they just made me feel gross with holes punched on each side, and the tread completely worn out that I could skate to the gym.

When I was looking into my new shoes I first and foremost wanted something comfy. I also was on the fence of getting running shoes vs. training shoes because I do run after some of my workouts, but because I run less than 5 days a week I went ahead with the trainer shoe.

May I introduce you to the new  Nike Air Zoom Strong

On sale for $55 from $110 !! yay savings!

Here’s a video of my review –> nike air zoom strong review

nike air zoom strong

Key Features

  1. spandex like fit
  2. light and breathable
  3. snug to foot, but not too tight
  4. Strap to hold in shoelaces (my fave)

I love how the shoelaces are held in because I hate having to stop mid workout to tie if they do come undone it won’t be in your way

WARDROBE UPGRADE

I was also able to upgrade my workout attire!!

I am very much so a minimalist when it comes to clothes because I live in 500 sq ft.

I bought 2 workout leggings for 25 bucks and a shirt for 10 bucks!

wardrobe

I don’t edit myself ignore the mess and the toothpaste splatter lol

“Everything starts with I believe in me” Affirmations help me when keep going even if they’re cheesy.

Normally I would wear an old t-shirt with holes and stains.

Now that I have my new attire I feel like I own the gym! I have never felt more confident.

 

For cuteness overload 🙂

dogs 2dogs 1

 

Gym memes: The Ultimate Workout Fear

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Many women feel intimidated by the weightlifting side of the gym. It took a lot of courage to consistently venture over where these super-fit men did their routines. As I would work out I just know they were saying to themselves “What is this fat girl doing lifting weights she needs to be with the others doing endless cardio. Well as I learned if you have to pick cardio vs. weights you always chose weights. As I was and still am a ‘beginner’ something would haunt me at night, ending up as a meme/gif online.

Okay don’t get me wrong I do get a good laugh at most,

AND

I know a lot have been fabricated

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BUT

When I could see my self in some just because I didn’t know the proper form or didn’t know how to use a machine, it truly haunted me

 

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 THE SOLUTION

I did a lot of research. First I went down to the gym when it was empty and wrote down all of the names of machines with brand names and all. Then I YouTubed every machine and found every tutorial I could find.

 

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The next time I was down at the gym I didn’t care about any of that cause honestly I was focused on getting my workout done even though I did all that research.So if your like me and have an anxiety of phones being pulled out and weird shots of you taken with god awful captions the best thing you can do is know you’re their for a reason, and so are they.

Still don’t forget to laugh at yourself!

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A Step

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I don’t’ know what happened to day zero… I thought it was such a cool concept “my planning day” The day before I change everything. Well I’m on day zero take two. I have an enabler in my life and it sabotaged me like non other.

I love my hubby, but we have this vicious cycle. He brings me food. Here are the following reasons for him bringing food home. (aka restaurant take out)

He had a bad day

I had a bad day

He had a good day

I had a good day

We had an argument

He is sorry

I am sorry

We forgive each other

Just cause

Don’t want to go shopping

Anniversary

Birthday

Holiday

I know he just wants to see me happy but it’s hard to stop the cycle. My new goal is to learn the word, no. I hate failing but I know there’s a long road ahead and I have at least taken a step.

Day Zero

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Day 0

Okay so today is day zero. I don’t know how many times I have to start over but now that everything seems to be getting in place I have got to get this right. My nutrition is number 1 priority, that is where I went wrong the first time I thought working out more would be all I needed but the fact is that I was eating pure junk and thinking working out would negate the bag of cookies, and pf chang’s delivery.

So I have a couple of ways to keep my motivation going. Lets call them “snacks” because lets face it I have been snacking for a long time and I always feel that it’s a reward eating chocolate, or having a piece of cheesecake. So if I still continue calling them ‘snacks’ even though its not food but a reward for being good, may help. I also have a list of tasks good tasks that take away minutes from my workouts instead of scheduling ‘days off’ I will reward myself with minutes off by tallying up my tasks like taking stairs, walking dogs, and hopefully to accumulate two days off of working out. I need a total of 90 minutes taken off to get the two ‘off days’. I am calling these tasks “atta girls’ On the flip side of that if I mess up I have consequences which would add minutes on to workouts, those will be called ‘Fat shamers’ For nutrition I’m not really going on a trend diet or any kind of program but I will be following 100 days of real food. I have been following the author a long time now before she had a book out and I feel like taking myself off processed food is a way to really turn a corner and get healthy, truly healthy.

Atta girl points

(1 point = 1 min taken off)

Stairs -1

Walking dogs-3

Portion food at work-2

Cleaning apartment-2

Study Spanish-1

Study for work-4

Do blog-3

Burned 700cal before work out-3

Healthy snack-4

 

Body Shamers

(1 point = 1 min added on)

Went over calorie intake + 8

Didn’t work out +7

Went out to eat+10

Sugary snack+8

Used scale on wrong day+15

 

Snack List

195- Lush bath bomb

192- Hair Products

189- Plants

186-Bath product

183- frankoma pottery

180- Comfy Sports bra

177- Work pants

174- Water Bottle

171- frankoma pottery

168- Protein powder shaker

165- bath product

162- New Pillow

159- Hair product

156- Headphones

153- new dress

150-Lingerie

145-trip to New York and new dress

**Current Weight 198**

Introvertness

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I’m trying to be more of a positive person, a different person. Some days I wish I was an extrovert but I’m not. Inside my head I am and extrovert but for some reason my thoughts stop there they never hit my mouth I just think and never say. When will I become this person that is strong and independent and not caring what I say. Why can’t I just be someone everyone likes? I want to be that person who takes risks but it’s just not me even though I want it to be me!

Weakness

Technically I should be further than this but I have had some relapses. I should maybe be at day 1 again but I have done so well and its not the end of the world of what I messed up on. I decided to buy some double chocolate cookie dough that I would have not option but to cook. I did really well not eating it during the week but once the weekend came it turned into a gearnade. Same with the spicy mayo I bought. So I am not starting over but I am going to guide my elephant a bit more by celebrating small wins and having immediate consequences.